during weekapaug, my friend passes me a bowl, i lackadaisically put the lighter up to it, and just as i prepare to light the flame...BAM!!!...the flashlight chick (oh how i hate her) hits me with the light. i'm frozen like an antelope in headlights, a statue of a man about to hit a bowl. then, after what seems like years, decades, millennia, she turns it off and keeps walking.

then to my left a guy takes off at full speed, flashlight chick turns the light on him, and two or three security guys tackle him and escort him out. i've missed the end of the jam and they've segued it into a page solo. ok, kris, catch your breath, that wasn't about you. i sit down and breathe. it's good to breathe again.

we exit the show... me, two other guys, and a girl. my mind is still not fully recovered from flashlight chick as we enter the subway (the end of axilla two with "don't shine that thing in my face man" has always had a special place in my heart because of her). we've wandered around a bit after the show, so we don't arrive in the subway right after we exit the spectrum. as we enter the subway station we see the door of the train close...literally PACKED with phish fans. as it pulls away we realize...uh oh, we're all alone at the station...but not for long.

almost as soon as the train pulls away it begins: the parade of scary philly residents. first comes the relatively harmless, but clearly crazy, homeless dude. an odd family looking unit then arrives. a phish couple looking as out of place and altered as we are arrives, then the gang guys come. there has been a steady trickle of other seedy looking characters coming down this whole time.

the only show attendees are still us and the couple. the gang spots the couple and approaches them, offering their extensive knowledge of philly geography to them for a small fee. the are bundled together and politely trying to decline the young gentlemen's request. at this moment, praise whoever you worship, another train arrives.

the couple makes it on safely as do we. before the train departs, three girls, obviously fellow attendees of the show, also board. my friends and i are buzzing. i don't mean that in the overused "i was buzzed dude, that was good weed" sense. i mean there is literally a buzzing sound in my head and sensation throughout my body. the creepy characters only get creepier within the confined spaces of the train. we decide to exit earlier than we should.

we are followed by the three girls. our hotel is large and, we think, easily spotted. as we emerge into the streets of philly, though, we see no hotel belonging to us. we are in the heart of the mean, mean city (which one of my friends has now taken to calling filthadelphia). we are taking turns at a rapid space, the whole time trailed by the three girls. they are mumbling worriedly. i turn around and say, "i hope you're not following us because we couldn't be more lost." they are crushed.

we turn another corner. on this corner is a bar/restaurant. we are not interested, there is beer and food in our hotel room. that's the sustenance we desire, not any other. we stop momentarily in front of this restaurant/bar to gather our composure and plan a new attack on the city streets. as we do this one of my friends begins a low, but hopeful sounding chant, "nofuckingwaynofuckingwaynofuckingway!!!" he is watching an approaching car as he says this.

suddenly, he darts into the street and slaps the car. clearly he has gone mad, and we will all soon be killed by one of the evil philly residents. instead, the car stops, and out emerges geoff. we are in philly, we are visiting from wv. geoff is from nj, but is living in wv. it turns out he was to meet some friends of his in philly to celebrate nye. he and his friends in the car with him are lost, but now we have strength in numbers.

geoff says he is looking for a particular bar/restaurant where he and friends are to meet up with other phillyans. the restaurant, oh sweet lord, coincidence of coincidences, is the one we've stopped in front of to regain our composure.

geoff didn't know we were in philly. we didn't know geoff was in philly. geoff and friends decide to come to our hotel room instead of the bar where they were supposed to go. the party in the hotel is a joyous occasion. we have bested the evil streets of philly.

the next night, after the show, we attack the subway with the precision of a military elite forces squad. not twenty minutes after the lights come up, we are in our hotel room, beers in hand, reliving the two nights of madness.

- Kris Mitchell

Editor's Note: After 1 AM or so, Philly is probably about as friendly as that nice little city across Delaware River, Camden.  When you think of Jersey, please don't think of Camden.