Freaks, Geeks, Hippies, Tour Rats and random passerbys:

Today we are here to celebrate life and its many bounties, two of which are attached to the front of the bride.

Throughout life, we are placed with the task of many choices. One is to choose a life partner as these two have.  Today we celebrate that choice - one borne up on a flood of feeling rather than homogenized thru the heavy-handed application of traditional nonsense.  The freaks before you wish  to commit themselves to each other in front of  the Phamily of their choice, rather then the ones they simply were born into.

And even with the formalities and ritualistic components, what we hope to convey in this ceremony is the fact that love takes on a myriad of forms and that nonsense  and silliness should prevail throughout all of it.

Like the melding of the 4 individuals who comprise Phish, today symbolizes  a joining of two individuals to create a unique and special identity.  To continue    in life’s tour together -- perhaps creating more tour rats, kicking down to each other, going down on each other and supplying each other with an endless bounty of love,  warmth, drugs and music.

I specifically remember her saying “or something,” which, by the power invested in me, was good enough.

  At this point, I explained that in lieu of further vows, I was going to have each of them tell a story.  I asked Mike to go first and to fill us all in on the night he proposed to Kelly.  He turned around and faced the audience (which was probably about 150 people strong at this point.  However, they were still looking pretty confused as to what was going on).

Mike told us that it was in December, I believe, and he had wanted to surprise Kelly with the proposal, and that she had no idea it was coming.  He said it was a rousing success.  I was looking for a little more outta the chump, but what do you expect from a cat who wears a backwards Yankee cap to his own fucking wedding?  (ps. GO YANKS!!! - any other hat would’ve been unacceptable at the alter of the Reverend Slim Shady). 

At this point I had Kelly turn around and tell the crowd of the night that she first met Mike.  It was at this point that 2 horseback mounted cops decided they were going to get involved in our ceremony.  I was eye to eye with them as one mounty came sidling up right next to me separating me from the rest of the group.  He then proceeded to move his horse sideways pushing the crowd from me.  Poor Gwen got smacked in the face with a horse rump.  It was really out of control.  I screamed at the cop and said something to the effect of “what the living fuck are you doing? We’re trying to have a holy ceremony here.”  I tried to put on a righteous indignation despite the fact that I was standing on a pole in a parking lot wearing a priest collar, boxer shorts, one sock and ridiculous hair.  He brought his horse back up to me, shoved his mitt in my face and with a finger extended, told me we were blocking traffic.

Now it must’ve been the divine inspiration that cooled my jets because cop interaction is no longer one of my strong points. I guess the motivation to finish this ceremony (and to see the show) overrode all my “cops are all evil” notions, and I asked him what we needed to do to continue this.  He pointed his finger in my face again with an extreme look of hate and told me that if I didn’t get down off this pole in 10 seconds, I was going to jail.  ThommyB and his boy, Potato, were quick to come to my side and pull me down before things got ugly. 

GET 'N JIGGY!

So we moved 20 feet away and I stood on a jersey wall.  How fitting for this type of ceremony.  We lost some of the crowd during the pandemonium, but we recovered and Kelly continued her story which I couldn’t fucking tell you one word of because that’s when the fuming over the cops began.  I was also busy gyrating to the back of her head.  By the time she was done though, I had focused back on the wedding.

I explained that their love was to be symbolized by a pair of “Love” handcuffs that I placed on both of their wrists.  And I announced:

No longer 2, but rather 1, may you now grope, hump and deep throat kiss each other for the amusement of us all.

TRAPPED FOR LIFE NOW SUCKAS!  

(I’m not sure I saw any humping, but I’m sure I saw a tittie squeeze somewhere in there. Way to go Mike!)

And finally, before I dismiss the happy couple into the playground that awaits, it is my great pleasure to announce the wonderful tradition of the placing of the bride’s panties upon the Reverend Slim Shady’s head.

With great difficulty, the handcuffed bride and groom managed to slide off the delicious pair of  silky black panties and place them on my head.   They smelled delicious!

BEING PANTIFIED

It was then that I announced that it was only fair that I return the favor, so I turned around and whipped off my boxers, revealing my stars and stripes g-string thong.  I had earlier placed my missing sock up into it and had it hanging half way out.  I ripped the sock out in embarrassment (and evidently the sock isn’t the only thing that came out as evidenced by the 4-some who announced to me and my sister the next weekend in shoreline that “We saw your dick in Vegas man!!!”). 

At this point I announced the official union of the two and sent them into the crowd to receive dry humps and kisses from the crowd.

  I’m not sure what happened here as I caught the eye of the idiot cop and decided I better get my clothes back on before I’m someone’s girlfriend in a g-string. 

     IT WAS UNANIMOUS, “THIS GUY IS AN ASS!”

EWW! MY HAND IS NOW FOULED