During my journey toward the light, I learned how it is possible for 1 person to change the course of one’s life, if you allow them to. Sometimes, the results of having such a person in your life are not so great. In fact, they can be quite detrimental. And other times, just the opposite. I firmly believe that at times, you must endure the bad before enjoying the fruits of the good. In a nutshell, that is the spine of my experience. So, where did it begin you ask? Within the silver lining of the dark cloud that awaited me. But do not fret. There is always sunshine after a storm.

Make some popcorn, sit back and come with me on my adventure down the yellow brick road.

CHAPTER 1: CAUSE AND EFFECT, THE PRE-PHISH DAYS

From 1994-1998, I lived in Richmond VA. I had moved there from NH after TWA "downsized" and closed the station I was working at in Manchester. Jobs in the travel industry were pretty hard to come by in the North East if you had under 5 years experience, so a new era of my life began and I made the decision to make the move south. After only being in Virginia a month, I loved it. Eventually, I built a great life there, had a great job, wonderful friends and I was involved in theatre. I loved my apartment with its little private garden in the back, all fenced in. My 2 cats were with me, happy as ever. Nothing could have been sweeter.

Enter Jason. I, somehow through complete trust and benefit of the doubt, allowed this man to destroy the life that I had built.

At the beginning of our relationship, things were great. Jason and I were best friends, actually. We enjoyed the same things and had quite a bit of fun for the most part. He would spontaneously stop over at night, and we would stay up all night talking, listening to tunes. Eventually, I fell deeply in love with him and him with me (or so I thought).

Here comes the wrench. In late summer of 1997, Jason informed me that he was moving back to Buffalo NY to be with his elderly grandfather who, on and off, had quite a few health problems. He said he did not have a choice in the matter; his grandfather needed him. I understood of course, but the news crushed me. I began to wonder what would become of us, because to me, a long-distance relationship would be pure torture. I was torn up inside just from the thought of not being with him any more; the horrible reality consumed me. He also hated the idea of leaving me behind. He ended up calling me one night at 3am in tears begging me to go with him. Because I had been blindsided by this mad love, I said yes without hesitation.

Well, Buffalo was an interesting place. There were good folks there, don't get me wrong, but the biggest recreation was the bar scene. There is nothing wrong with anything in moderation, but EVERYONE drank. And with last call being at 4am, you can only imagine how much. Not to mention the fact that when the Sabres or the Bills were playing, you HAD to have a beer in your hand. It was a rule, I guess.

Envisioning this move to be with the man I loved painted breathtaking pictures in my mind. Happily ever after, right? Well, not quite. After living there for only 4 months, I found myself sitting in a bar by the name of Stamps, (conveniently located w/in staggering distance of my house), I had no clue where my boyfriend was cuz he had gone off on a 3 day drinking binge with his buddies. I sat there thinking madly about the life I chose to give up to be with this man, who, when he was around, did nothing but complain about the 10 pounds I had gained. Not to mention the fighting, his horrible temper and the abusive behavior. The worst part was the person I was becoming because this man was in my life. I didn’t like what I saw, AT ALL. Now what do I do? I knew I couldn't go back to Virginia, it just wouldn't be the same. Plus, the memories of him would be there and would taint any possibility of getting things back the way they were. Sometimes you just can’t go back, you know? The thought of going back to NH with my tail between my legs made me feel like such a horrible failure. So, after much deliberation, I decided to stick it out, in the hopes that things would improve and this pseudo man would become genuine again.

No such luck. 5 months later, I was back in NH. The entire Virginia experience seemed like a summer daydream; the Buffalo facade--a nightmare.

New Hampshire. Oh my god. Was I was back here again? Where did my life go? It all seemed so weird. Strange, but familiar. I was a mess and basically, cried for about 3 months. Anything would trigger it. It was pure hell. I felt like a total failure. And yes, even though I came back to the opens arms of my family to heal and be comforted, I beat myself up constantly, asking my self over and over: How I could have allowed this to happen? Everything I had worked for had been destroyed. Gone. Who was I now? I had no identity. I felt like I was back at square one, without a map. My old friends tried so hard to get me up and about, but I just wanted solitude. I think I was actually... mourning. It took every fiber of my being just to get up in the morning. Most mornings though, I didn’t even have to worry about getting up because I had never gone to bed to begin with. (strange TV programs on between 2am and 4am, by the way)

Eventually, I slowly forced myself to get out of the house, after all I HAD to, cuz I was living with my parents again. And if anyone has ever had to live with family after being on their own for a while, it is known that it is NOT easy, to say the least.

After much alone time and self-pity, my friend Vanessa, who I have known for 24 years, MADE me go out with her one night to this place called Duffy's. I really didn't want to go, but she promised me it would cheer me up and we would have fun. So we went, after much arm-twisting.

Overall, Duffy’s was a cute little pub-style place, with a mellow feel to it. Dim lighting and a cool R & B band strumming at a tolerable decibel level. We met the guy that she was dating there. Nice guy, DJ was his name. Very talkative, which was good for me, cuz I wasn't really much of an initializor at that point in my life due to the circumstances. So I had a Magic Hat and tried to enjoy myself. I was so into the conversation with DJ, that I didn't even notice that Vanessa was chatting with someone next to her. She tapped on my shoulder to get my attention. Oh god, here we go. Introduction time. I could tell by her face that she was up to something.

"Melissa, this is Brian. Brian Lewis. " I shook his hand and gave him a smile as my friend winked and kicked me under the table. I knew it. She WAS up to something. Why me? Man. I remained courteous.

"Nice to meet you, Brian, " I said politely. He returned the greeting with a grin and a hello. He was sitting there, so of course, I took a look at him, right? He was about 5’7" or so, stocky build. He did have the most beautiful brown eyes that lit up when he smiled, that much I noticed. He had dark curly brown hair and a brown goatee about an inch long. All in all, a good looking guy. But that was about it for the conversation. He got up, excused himself from the festivities and explained that he had to go. I didn’t care one way or the other, actually. The last thing I wanted to do was think about men, though Vanessa and DJ joked and stated that they were going to play cupid, which I had already pretty much figured out. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, whatever guys. Don’t even try to humor me.

A few weeks went by and I opted for more solitude. I was feeling better about things, but I still wanted to be in my shell for a bit longer. As I was sitting in my room, sorting through the massive amounts of stuff I had seemed to accumulate over the past 5 years (how does that happen anyway?), the phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number on the caller id, but I answered it anyway. It was Brian Lewis.

And through the following events, my phriends, I was reborn.

CHAPTER 2: YOU ENJOY MYSELF

"A date? Am I up for this? I don’t know. I don’t think I am ready for this." Over and over, these things repeated themselves in my head. He seemed nice enough, anyway. Very laid back, and quite easy to talk to. What the hell, I figured. I certainly have nothing else to do.

We decided to meet at a little place down the street. It was actually midpoint between where I lived and where he lived so it was perfect. Driving to our meeting point, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. "What the hell am I doing? I can’t believe I am actually doing this," I said out loud, noticing the older gentleman at the light next to me giving me a weird look cuz I was talking to myself. "Whatever. Just do it. Who cares anyway. Plus, X-Files is a repeat tonight," that was my twisted justification. Funny how the mind works, huh?

So the evening progressed. We sat together at a little bar, in a Chinese restaurant. I felt relaxed after a while, because I learned that he was moving to California and the last thing he wanted was a relationship. The moment I learned this, I was at ease. I told him that I had just been through a rather traumatic break-up and all I really needed right now was a good friend to hang with. Once that was all cleared up, the pressure dissipated.

"So, what do you like to do for fun," I asked, curiously, as I sipped and ice-cold Killian’s.

"Well, I am really into music. Phish. Ever heard of them?" he said, his face all lit up, as he moved up on his stool into a more attentive stance.

"Yeah, actually. Don’t they sing some song called, um.. jeez, what is it… Bouncin off the Walls?" Brian’s head tilted back as the bellowing laugher came of his mouth, along with the sip of beer that he had taken. He almost spilled his drink.

"What? Did I get the name wrong or something?" I asked, wondering if I had just said something incredibly stupid.

"Bouncing ‘Round the Room," he said. "That is hilarious! Thanks, I needed a good laugh. But really, do you know of anything else that they sing? Have you ever listened to them?" he said in a more serious tone, as he smoothed down his goatee.

"Actually, just a little bit, not too much actually. One of my friends in Virginia had a tape with him one day when he was visiting. He must have played it over and over again about 4 times. I was actually studying some lines at the time for a sketch, so I really didn’t listen. What I did hear sounded pretty tranquil, I guess. At one point there was this song, I don’t know the name, but towards the end, the band did this crazy thing. There was no music playing whatsoever and they were making some pretty interesting sounds with their voices."

"Ah, You Enjoy Myself." He said with a grin, now twisting his goatee around with his fingers.

I was a bit taken back. "Um, wow. Sure, you seem like a nice guy. I am enjoying your company," I said, thinking how bold that statement was and not knowing WHAT to say after a comment like that.

More bellowing laugher. This time he DID spill his drink. "You are killing me!!! You Enjoy Myself. YEM. That was the name of the song you heard." He lightly nudged my shoulder with the tips of his fingers, to let me know it was ok and not to feel too stupid and proceeded to wipe up the spilled liquid with a cocktail napkin. But the man was all smiles, quite humored in fact.

"Oh man. Do I feel dumb," I whispered, covering my face with my hands, "I’m sorry, jeez."

"It’s ok, really. How would you have known that? You’re all set. Don’t worry. Anyway, you should really check them out."

"Huh. Really? Maybe I will," I said, smiling, realizing that he put me right back at ease again.

The evening continued. I actually had a great time. He was a riot and had me rolling on the floor a few times. We talked all about his plans to move to California as well as how he was planning on doing the "summer tour" before his move. As it got a little later, he asked me if I might want to go hang with him at his house. At first, I was a bit reluctant. After all, technically, this was our first time out together, date or not. I went to the ladies room and thought about it. Hmmm.. what to do? I decided, what the hell. He obviously wasn’t looking for any kind of involvement and he seemed decent enough not to try anything, knowing what I had just come out of.

We decided to take his car, seeing as his house was right down the street; I could come back and pick mine up later. I got in his car and took a look around for a sign of this band that he loved so much. All I saw was a CD case that said The Disco Biscuits. " What on earth could that be?" I thought. (that is a whole other story friends (c:). Finally I just came right out and asked. "So, do you have any Phish to play for me?"

"Do I have any Phish," he said grinning from ear to ear. He reached around to the back seat and proceeded to pull out the BIGGEST tape carrier I have ever seen, which I imagined, was full of tapes. "Does this answer your question?" he kidded.

"Um, yes. Quite well. Wow. You have a lot of tapes, man."

"What, these? Aw, this is nothing. These are just my favorites." He explained to me, at that point, how he had acquired all the tapes, how the trading world works, etc. I was intrigued.

"So people go to these concerts and tape them? Isn’t that illegal?" I said, wondering how this all worked.

"Actually, it is permitted. They have what are called "taper sections" at all of the venues. People go to the shows with all of their equipment, set it all up and make some phat recordings. It is a blessing. They make copies, trade and spread the music around to all the fans. It is a wonderful concept," he said passionately. Immediately I realized that this was not just "a band that he liked". He seemed rather fanatical about it.

"Wow. So what is it about Phish that you like so much?" I asked, unaware that in just a few seconds, everything that I knew about my life was about to change. With that, he looked at me and smiled. He unzipped the nylon case and carefully scanned the spines of the tapes with his finger. He chose one. He opened the case up and took the tape out. He handed it to me.

"Go ahead. Put it in," he said easing back in his seat. He stretched his arms up and cradled his head with his hands. Smiling, he watched me, as if he knew something that I didn’t. He looked as if he was about to enjoy a great movie or something.

"I am so jealous of you right now," he said. "This is really the first time for you, isn’t it? I know you heard them before. But I am pretty sure you never listened to them. Go ahead. Put the tape in."

"Ok. What are you grinning about? My goodness. Is the secret to life on this tape or something?" I said, jokingly.

He shook his head back and forth and laughed a little under his breath. He mumbled something that sounded like, "Nail on the head." I wasn’t quite sure. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was actually, but damn, was I curious.

I put the tape in. I sat back in my seat and decided to give the music my FULL attention, hoping that I would understand what it was that made this music so special to him. The music started. It was kind of funky. My interest started to perk up a little as I leaned back, trying to hear it better. All the instruments just seemed to meld together. The beat of the drums was even smooth. The members of this band, Phish, seemed to work together, feeding off each other, changing in unison. I later learned the correct terminology for this description was---tight. Suddenly I recognized the song. It came out of nowhere. They were playing 2001, but in their own way. Wow. I couldn’t believe it. I kept listening. I think my eyes were bugging out of my head at one point. How they hell could they sound so damn good? How do they do that? How come I never heard this before? The song was incredibly climactic. I could hear the crowd cheering completely out of control. I got so caught up in it. I didn’t even notice that we were still sitting in the parking lot of the Chinese restaurant.

After the song ended, I almost felt drained, exhausted from how amazing it sounded. What the hell did I just hear? Where the hell have I been? Brian suddenly ejected the tape. I looked at him, shocked. "What are you doing? Put it back in. Are you crazy?" I had to hear what else this band could do.

Brian laughed. "Oh-oh," he said, "I think that maybe, um, just maybe….," he shook his head and smiled, but he never finished his thought. He continued grin like a little kid on Halloween. "Why don’t we go back to my house now. I promise I will play more for you there. I promise."

"Ok, that is fine, but why don’t you just leave the tape in for the ride?" I said, laughing. Obviously he could tell that I enjoyed what I had just heard.

"Because I want to talk to you on the way. And judging by what I just saw you do when you heard that, that would be impossible." He had a point. Anyway, it did make me feel good that he wanted to talk to me. That was a nice thing.

I was surprised and relieved to find out that his house was less than 5 minutes from where we were. We still managed, however, to have some good conversation. What a joker. Talk to me on the way. Jeez. I realized for the first time in a while, I wasn’t thinking about how horrible my life was. Huh. What do you know about that?

CHAPTER 3: SINGING IN THE RAIN

The weeks passed and I continued to spend a lot of time with Brian. It was great actually. No pressure. Neither of us were thinking about the whole male-felmale-hanging-out-inevitibly-getting-invlolved thing. We were great friends. It was a relief, in fact. I was attracted to him though, that I can’t deny. But though there was no major involvement between Brian and I, Phish was burning hard and hot in my life.

Every time I would see Brian, he would have a new tape for me to listen to. It was wonderful. He let me borrow pretty much most of his collection, a little at a time. I was loving it. I quickly had a "favorite song" : Tweezer. But then again, it was always hard to peg a song as my favorite, because they were all pretty darn good. Most times, it was a toss up between Tweezer and Divided Sky.

We would sit for hours, just chilling, listening to music. He would tell me wild stories about the shows he had gone to. I would ask question after question. We read one of the Pharmer's Almanac’s together one night and I was completely shocked at the amount of information in there. How many times a song has been played, segues, etc. I was in complete awe of this amazing fan base that Phish had. Little did I know, I was becoming a raging one.

The time was flying by. Soon, it was almost summer. Pretty much everything Brian and I did together, Phish was involved in some way. That was just a given. Plus, I couldn’t get enough of it, so it was fine by me.

One night, we had no idea what to do with ourselves. It looked like rain and we were both pretty much tapped in the funding department. We both sat at the kitchen table at his house I was strumming through -The Phish Book- reading the stories. He sat across from me with a perplexed look on his face, trying to figure out something for us to do that didn’t require any money. I looked up at him and then out the window. They sky was pretty gray, but I had an idea anyway.

"Hey, why don’t we take the boom-box, get a blanket and some snacks (and some kindness) and find a cool spot to sit and hang out," I said on a whim, hoping that would be our Bingo.

"I don’t know, that sky is pretty dark," he said, obviously concerned about the inclement weather. He picked up his hat and put it on backwards and sat back in the wooden kitchen chair.

"So what? If it rains, we will come back. No biggie right?"

He sat for a moment with his arms crossed. "Hmmmm. Ok, let’s go," he said finally, in a why-the-hell-not sort of tone.

We drove over to Lake Massabesic and parked the car on the side of the road. There were several hiking trails in that area and the view from some points—breathtaking. We headed up one trail with all our gear and found a nice little spot on a hill surrounded by mammoth pine trees. We set the blanket up on the pine needles and enjoyed the view of the lake. The music began playing only minutes later.

Once again, it was new to me. I had never heard the tape. We sat together, sprawled out on the blanket and relaxed. After partaking in a little kindness, I took a deep breath, tipped my head back and closed my eyes. There was a slight breeze rustling the leaves on the trees. The air smelled so sweet. Ahhh. Did I ever feel good. I listened. A song by the name of Maze was on. I let myself get lost in the sounds, swaying a little. It sounded so damn good. And I FELT so damn good. I started smiling while my eyes were closed evidently, when Brian spoke.

"You look happy," he said. Apparently, he had been watching me.

I opened my eyes and looked up into the pine trees as I answered him. "You know what? I think I am. It is amazing, actually. I haven’t been thinking about anything bad lately. Strange. 7 months ago, I thought my life was over. Now, I am feeling so much better. I have no idea why," I said, shaking my head slowly, remembering all of the trauma.

Brian leaned in closer to me, "I know why," he said with that silly little grin that he always seem to have. He pointed at the boom box. "That. That right there, is why. Music can be so therapeutic. It is a channel for passion and thought. I don’t know, that is just my opinion," he said, looking vulnerable.

I thought about what he had said for a second. "You’re right. You are absolutely right. When I came back here, my life was void of happiness. I was pretty much at rock bottom. But listening to this music really makes me FEEL happy. There is just something about it. It doesn’t even have to be defined. It just is. Am I rambling or does that make any sense?"

With that, Brian turned to face me. He took my face in his hands gently and proceeded to kiss me like I have never been kissed before. And I let him. He pulled away slowly and looked into my eyes. "You have no idea how much what you just said makes me happy. No idea. I think you get it, Melissa. I think you get it."

I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t uncomfortable. What had just happened, happened naturally. It was ok. We both sat back, smiling, as Maze continued to intoxicate us. And then, the rain started.

"Oh, crap," Brian said, looking at me as he started to get up, "do you want to go?"

I sat for a moment and thought, "No. I don’t. Can we stay? Is that ok?"

Brian sat down, though he appeared shocked that a girl didn’t mind sitting in the rain. "Sure, ok," he said. We covered the boom box with his jacket. The rain came pouring down. But it didn’t matter. We continued to sit, listen and enjoy the utter peace of the whole thing, tilting our heads back, letting the rain dance on our faces.

"I cannot believe how cool this is," Brian said under his breath, though he didn’t think I heard him. He grabbed my hand and began to stroke the top of it with his thumb. Somewhere in the depths of my being, I agreed with him. Boy, did I ever agree with him.

CHAPTER 4: SPECIAL DELIVERY

"Hello?" I said struggling, as I almost dropping the phone due to the massive amounts of mail I had in my hand.

"Where is he? I am going nuts. I am starting to really freak out here," Brian said frantically.

"Who? What? Are you ok?" I asked, wondering what he was talking about. I walked over to the kitchen door and opened it back up to get the air circulating through the room. God it was warm today.

"The FedEx dude. He hasn’t come yet. What if he doesn’t come?" Brian said, desperately. He sighed loudly in complete anguish.

"Oh," I said, sympathetically, realizing what he was talking about, "Don’t worry, you did everything right. You said so. You double-checked everything. Hell, you even drove up to Burlington and hand-delivered the package. Don’t worry, you’ll get them."

"Ohhh. Melissa, if I don’t get my tickets…." I cut him off, right there.

"Oop. Stop. Nope. Don’t even say it. You know you are going to get them. You know it. Just relax. You WILL get your tickets. You WILL go on Summer Tour. You WILL see more Phish than you can possibly fathom. You WILL eat those crazy veggie things you keep talking about. You WILL be happy and jolly and crazy and insane and… Shall I continue?" I said, laughing a little. Picturing Brian at these shows was actually one of my favorite pastimes, now that I kind of understood his passion, due to its contiguousness.

Brian let out yet another big sigh. He was obviously very anxious because I could actually hear him pacing, creaking the hardwood floor in his kitchen. "What are you doing right now? Are you busy?" he asked, in hopes that I wasn’t, I assumed.

"Not doing much actually. Are you ok?" I asked, wondering what I could do to make him feel better.

"Ok, I am coming over. See you in a few," click. Dial tone.

"Ah, w—ok," I said, even though no one was there. I hung up the phone and finally put down the mail that I had been holding the entire time.

I sat down at my mother’s huge wooden kitchen table that had been in the house for years. "What was going on here?" Though I knew that Brian was upset, it made me feel so good that he was on his way over. As if "I was his comfort in time of need" or some corny thing. I liked that. I thought, smiling, as I traced the indentations in the pine with my finger.

Images of Virginia came back to me suddenly, as I waited for Brian. I don’t know why or where they came from. The weird thing was that I felt no anguish from the memories. Things were good. Things were really good. I started remembering everything that had happened over the past year and how much my life had changed in such a short time.

Then, my thoughts shifted back to Brian. What a wonderful gift he had given me. It was more than the music. It was more than countless evenings by the water, laughing, singing, dancing. It was more than friendship, happiness and fun. Brian had given me hope.

So much had happened since we met; it was hard to believe. He basically became part of my everyday life. And I loved it. I loved talking with him about his passions, Phish being the main one of course. He was so excited about his plans. He almost had all of his gear together for the tour. I smiled thinking how neat it was to see someone get so excited about the thought of making grilled cheese sandwiches in a parking lot. It was hard to believe that he would be leaving in less then 2 months. Suddenly I heard a screaming man in my driveway.

"AH-haaa. Ha haa!! Whoo-hooo!!!" the sound traveled through the screen door, scaring the hell out of me. I fell out of the chair. I got up and ran outside. I saw Brian running toward me.

He ran right up to me, picked me up and started swinging me around. He put me down after he realized that he was making me dizzy, "Oh, God, I’m sorry. Are you ok Melissa? Whoo-hooo!!!" Yeah. Right. He seemed concerned. I started laughing, realizing his behavior could only mean one thing.

"Let me see them," I said, clapping my hands , " that is why you are so happy right? I mean, the FedEx dude paid you a visit didn’t he?" I said, almost as excited as he was.

Brian didn’t say a word. He looked at me, ecstatic, barely containing himself.

"What?" I said, grinning, "That’s what it is right? You got your tickets? Did you??"

Brian nodded, in a goofy way, grabbed me, and hugged me so tight I almost couldn’t breath. But it was all good. In fact, it was wonderful. "I am so happy right now, Melissa. So fu*king happy!! He came RIGHT when I walked outside to come over here!! Oh man. I am psyched. Come on. We’re going to celebrate. Go get your stuff," he said. Then suddenly his tone changed to that of a gentleman, "Oh, I mean.. you don’t have plans do you? Would you like to celebrate with me?" he said, sweetly. God, one extreme to the other, right? I loved it. This man was a riot.

I looked at him. "Well, now. Hmmm.. Do I want to go off with you and have a sick time, listen to insane amounts of Phish while you are in the best mood you have been in since you saw Trey up in Portland? Hmmm… Na I don’t think so. I’ve got stuff to do."

"What???? You are kidding aren’t you?? No way. Come on. Nuh-uh!"

I started to laugh and proceeded to give him a huge hug. "Of course I will go with you, you idiot. What, do you think I am crazy?"

Brian’s face lit back up again and he started jumping up and down. I noticed that one of his sandals was coming off from all of his excitement. He didn’t seem to care though.

He ran back to his car like a little kid running to a roller coaster as I went inside to grab a few things. Huh. This was great. I was so happy for him! But at that moment, I felt something that I had never felt before….. Envy. Man, did I envy him. How cool would that be for him? Hell, I would freak at just ONE show, let alone 17 or however many he said it was.

The warmth of the air hit me with a breeze as I locked the door behind me. What crazy thing was in store tonight? I had NEVER seen Brian this happy before, so I could only imagine. As I walked out to the car, I smiled. I was so lucky to have such a wonderful friend. So lucky. Though we had had a few tender moments (not to belittle them in ANY way), our friendship remained pure and wonderful. No repercussions or insecurities resulted from crossing the supposed border between friendship and "more". How often does that happen? Usually the assumptions kick right in after 2 people cross the line. Not with Brian and I. If something happened, it happened because it just felt right, plain and simple. This made me so happy. No labels. No worries. Just a wonderful, wonderful thing. Nothing had been ruined in the least. It just kept getting better and better. I could hear the music blaring already from the car as I walked toward it.

Brian greeted me once again with a huge smile as I got in the car. "Camel walk… da… da… da.. Camel walk.. da… da..da…," he sang along, the base of the music shaking my seat. I laughed and joined in. Life was good. Life was so good.

CHAPTER 5: THE PHISH HOOK

That evening ended up being one of the best ones Brian had had so far. He was in a state of pure joy. Of course, it rubbed off on me. We listened to Phish, I swear, for about 4 hours strait. We drove around in the country for hours and he was talking, talking, talking. He picked on me severely, telling me he was, "bouncing off the walls." God, would I ever live that down? He told me all about how his mail order for Phish tickets got returned for him once, because he didn’t print something on the envelope. He told me about the scene in the parking lots, explaining the infamous "shakedown street." His descriptions were so vivid, like I was actually there. Some of the things he told me were pretty insane. I couldn’t imagine the bass player riding around in a golf cart through parking lots. Amazing! Though he had never seen it happen himself, he told me that the bass player, Mike, does it quite a bit. How cool is that?

It started to get dark, but the sunset that night had to have been one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. Pinks, purples and blues. So perfect. So warm. What an amazing backdrop for our evening. I couldn’t get over it. I decided that I just HAD to sit and enjoy the view. So I suggested it.

"Hey, I know of this spot over by the Pumping Station. There is a long narrow road that leads up to little pond. Do you know what I am talking about?" I said to Brian, as he turned down "Punch You In The Eye" to hear me.

"Oh yeah, I know where that is. Nice over there, too. Wanna go over there, sit and watch the sunset? Besides, I have something I want you to hear," he said, giggling. How is it that this man could read my mind? Boy, that was easy.

I found it so funny that after we had had that experience in the rain, we basically never worried about being low on cash. It was an obvious choice to enjoy Phish, surrounded by tranquility. It was a beautiful thing. And it was free.

As we drove there, I thought of these things, as well as the lyrics to "Free." I then realized that a permanent smile was plastered on my face. Free. That is how I felt. Free.

We eventually made it over to the pond. Brian backed the car into a dead end, that used to be a bridge at one time. The bridge was gone and fenced off. To the right was the pond. It was absolutely beautiful with the trees bending down to it, reflecting in the water. The sunset was at it's peak and turned the water to gold. I was in heaven.

Since we were on this boom box kick, Brian reached into the back seat and grabbed it, placing it on the roof of the car. He fumbled with his tape carrier, almost dropping it as he carefully chose a tape. I watched him, remembering that he had done that very thing, the first time we went out together. With the same excitement, the same anticipation, history was repeating itself in front of my eyes. I got goose bumps just from the thought of it.

I looked up into the sky and watched the colors bleeding into one another. How serene. A single beam of orange sunshine broke through a cloud and enveloped me, warming me all over. Suddenly, Brian spoke.

"Ok. Melissa, you are in for a treat tonight," he said, rubbing his hands together in excitement. He started to rewind the tape he had placed in the boom box and stood next to me, shoulder to shoulder against the car.

I turned to look at him. "Cool! Whatcha got? Have I heard it? What is it?" I said, inquisitively.

Brian's face lit up and he began to tell me a story of a boy named Jimmy, a cat and a dog. I listened to him closely. He told the story with such conviction and excitement, his hands flying around as he spoke. This would be the first time I heard "Harpua."

When he finished, I started to laugh, bending down, holding my stomach. The "kindness" had something to with that I think. "PosterNutBag???" I said, in hysterics. Why didn't I name my cat that? I couldn’t WAIT to hear this one.

The tape was ready and he pushed play. I leaned back and listened. Wow. The recording was taped in Las Vegas and the band worked that into the songs. I let the music take me on the journey with the boy and his cat. THIS was amazing. Once again, Phish had blown me out of the water. Even though we had gone there to "watch the sunset" I couldn’t help but close my eyes. I was transported….to the desert… the Yodelers to Las Vegas…and what is this? Elvi?… to the death of PosterNutBag. And to the hilarious ending of pet replacement!! God!! Then it hit me. I had to see these guys. I HAD to.

I got up from my leaning position and started pacing around excitedly. "Brian, I HAVE to see a show. I have to go. I can't stand it anymore."

I didn't think it was possible for the man to be any more excited than he already was. "OH Yes!! Melissa, you will die. I can already see you standing there with your mouth open," he said as he proceeded to give me a huge hug, making me jump up and down with him. He went back over and leaned on the car. He smiled and looked at me.

"You know, there is something I have to tell you," he said. I could tell he was about to tell me something from his heart. "I have never really been able to express my passion for Phish with anyone. My friends like them and stuff, but they get sick of it after a while and don't want to hear it anymore. My ex-girlfriend was the same way. She, like, went to shows with me and stuff, but still I seemed to be the only phanatic. Since I have been hanging out with you, I have had so much fun. You might think I am being vain or selfish when I say this, but I LOVE the fact that I got you into this. It makes me so happy to see your excitement. But it's not just excitement. It is excitement over something that I love. We are sharing all of this together. I have never met anyone like you before, Melissa. Never. I have never met anyone so open-minded. That is all a person really needs to discover this you know--an open mind. I am really going to miss you and all of these great times we have been having just hanging out. I can't tell you what this means to me," he finished.

I looked at him. The sun had now set at this point and the moon was full and glowing. The moonlight hit his face and I thought I could see the glistening of tears beginning to well up in his eyes. I walked over to him and put my arms around him. He buried his face in my neck. I hugged him tighter than I have ever hugged anyone in my life. He pulled back and looked at me.

"Melissa?" he said, "Can I take you to your first Phish show? It would mean so much to me if I could." His eyes were so sincere. So pure. Did he actually think I would say no?

"Brian, that would be the icing on the cake for me. If I hadn't have met you, I wouldn't know of this wonderful world. My friend Brian, taking me to my first show," I smiled at the thought of it, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

--------------------

That night, while everyone in the world was sleeping, I imagined, I sat up, wide awake. Wow. I was going to finally see these guys. I just had to figure out which show to meet him at. Deciding that I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep until I figured this out, I got out of bed, went down stairs and turned on the computer to check the tour schedules.

Perusing through the Phish.net site, I finally found the Summer Tour schedule. I looked at it for a second. Then I saw it. Oh my god. There it was, right in front of me. How perfect was this? A shiver went up my spine as I read it out loud, "July 8th, Virginia Beach Amphitheater, Virginia Beach, Virginia.

I bought my tickets the next day.

CHAPTER 6: GLAD, GLAD, GLAD THAT YOUR ALIVE

I couldn’t believe it. Was it really my birthday? Was I really 2 years away from the big 3-0? I tried to dismiss all thoughts of chronological age from my mind, cranking up Divided Sky on my car radio. The drive to work, though a pain in most cases due to the entire hour it takes me to get there, wasn’t too bad today. I knew that Brian would be waiting for me at my house after work and by the looks of it, the sun was going to continue to shine throughout the day. I listened to the music and let it take me down 93 south to 128 north. A twinge of excitement came over me as I remembered that I had a ticket to see my first Phish show. In Virginia, of all places!! That part was bizarre. Things just kept linking together in some strange cosmic way. I got goose bumps thinking about the whole "full circle" thing. Yikes.

My day at work turned out to be one of the worst I had ever had. Murphy’s Law applied 100% and I was ready to crawl under a rock and die. I ended up working late and had to keep myself from saying, "What a great birthday this has been." I never thought I would see the bottom of my in-box that day. Even my lunch break, which was 1 hour of Phish in my car, only partially took away from the mayhem. I could NOT wait to go home.

"Happy Birthday to me," I said, out loud, finally, as I fumbled for another tape to listen to for the drive home. So now my mood was jaded. Man. Ok, relax. Deep breath. Leave work at work. I visualized driving out of the stress like it was a dark cloud, leaving it behind in the dust. YEM seemed to help lift my spirits a bit, though there were tiny shards of stress remaining. And the late June humidity didn’t help, especially with the broken air conditioner in my heap of a car.

I continued to drive and take deep breaths, to easy my anxiety. Then, I noticed that the sun was setting right in front of me. It was a beautiful sunset. The last time I had seen one like that was the day I decided that I HAD to see Phish. What an amazing feeling that was, too. Realizing that instead of just hearing these wonderful tapes, I would actually be SEEING them perform. Of course, Brian was with me when I had this breakthrough. I started thinking about Brian, as I let an idiot cut in front of me in the passing lane, only to go slower. Man, they let anyone drive, don’t they?

Brian was leaving in 4 days to begin his summer Phish tour. 4 days. It was hard to fathom. I realized that I would soon have to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life thus far. I shook my head quickly, trying to shake off the sadness that began to creep up from these thoughts. Scarlet O’Hara began to speak to me in my mind, " Don’t think about this today. Think about this tomorrow."

As I pulled into my driveway, a crazy smile was grew on my face as I saw the light blue Toyota Camery in my yard with a big fat YEM sticker on the bumper. Brian was here. What could he have done? The anticipation of seeing what he was up to almost made me lock my keys in my car. I scurried to the side door, and of course, dropped my purse, spilling out it’s contents. AHH!! As I hurriedly put all the junk I carry around with me back in my bag, I looked up and noticed that the shades were drawn on the kitchen door and window. What was he up to? I couldn’t take it any more. I had to go in there. I found out later that I had left my cigarettes on the sidewalk.

A wonderful aroma hit me as I walked in the house. There was Brian. His face lit up and he raced over to hug me.

"Hi!! How are you? " he grabbed my bag and led me over to the kitchen table, seating me down. " Happy Birthday, Melissa," he leaned over me and gave me a little kiss.

"Oh man, you don’t know HOW happy I am to be here," I said rubbing my face with my hands. The moment I said that, it seemed like all the stress dissipated and sweet mix of relaxation and excitement came over me. Ahh. THIS was more like it. From that moment on, the evening was mine.

"No matter. You are here now. It is your birthday. The rest of the evening is all for you," he said, smiling. He went back over to the stove. I smiled as I thought about how much of an exceptional person Brian was. AND he cooks!!!! I started to giggle to myself, thankful that he couldn't read my mind. Or could he? (c:

I looked around the room. The first thing I noticed was a little cake on the table. Not just any cake, though. It was perfectly round, and decorated like a smiley face, yellow frosting and all. But, it had something in its mouth. What the hell was that? I leaned over closer to it and realized Mr. Smiley Face was indulging in a little stick of greenage. Sweet. How awesome was that? Next to the cake was Brian’s infamous boom box with about 5 or 6 CDs stacked next to it. He noticed that I was looking at them.

"OH did you see those?? I am so psyched about those!! I just got those today. I have been jamming to them since I got here," Brian said with much elation, swinging the spatula around in the air as he spoke, "The guy who spun them for me has made my friggin day." He smiled at me, twisted back around to the stove and began to drain the perfectly cooked pasta in the sink.

I reached over and grabbed the CDRs. Printed on them was, "Phish MSG 98" The list of songs seemed endless. What was this song? Caspian? Like from the Narnia chronicles? Huh. Never heard that one before. "Brian, what is this Prince Caspian thing?"

Brian turned around and grinned at me, "Man, I really love the fact that you have so many "first times" coming to you. I think you will love that song, Melissa. It is just your style." Brain continued with his culinary duties, getting all excited by the fact that he was almost done. He began to proudly spoon the food out onto a plate.

He clapped his hands loudly, "Ok, dinner is served!" he exclaimed, placing the most SCRUMPTIOUS looking feast down in front of me. "Chicken broccoli Alfredo, just for you," he said as he placed the plate down. He took advantage of the lean in to do so, and stole yet another kiss. I looked up at him and smiled, friends huh? I guess it really didn't matter anymore did it? I was damn happy, and could care less about any silly labels at this point.

"Man, Brian, this looks delicious! You DID NOT do this yourself. Nuh-uh, " I started to look around for evidence of an opened package/jar of Alfredo sauce. Of course, there was nothing of the kind to be found.

"What do you mean?" he laughed, " you think that I don't know how do make an Alfredo sauce from scratch? Ahh, ye of little faith. I am insulted," he kidded as he sat down next to me with a plate of his own, "I went to school for this shit ya know," he said proudly, pointing at me with his fork.

I took a big bite of the chicken and just about died. It was soooooo good. Wow. What a wonderful thing he had done. I savored every bite of his creation, as was VERY vocal about it. Brian was definitely loving the fact that this meal was actually bringing me to make "noises" as I ate it. I ate slow and enjoyed everything in front of me. He was done before I had even finished my garlic bread. He sat, and watched me eat, enjoying my enjoyment immensely. The man just couldn't stop smiling. I wasn't complaining.

"So," he said, leaning back in his chair, "did you enjoy your birthday dinner?" He put his hands behind his head and smiled, proudly.

"What do you think? I said, laughing, knowing full well that he already knew I had loved every morsel. "Honestly, Brian, I think that is one of the best meals anyone has ever cooked for me. Thank you so much. You really didn't have to do this you know, " I said, as I mopped up the remainder of the creamy sauce with my last piece of pasta. I smiled at him as I slowly popped the last bite into my mouth.

Brian put his elbows on the table and grinned, "Cool," he said staring in front of him. He continued to smile as if he had just accomplished something he been shooting for, " that is all I wanted. To do something really nice for you on your birthday. To thank you, too." He grabbed my hand and gave it a pat.

I put my fork down and my eyes widened with shock, "Thank me?? I should be thanking you! I wouldn't be this happy if it weren't for you. I believe we have already had this discussion, " I said, jokingly.

Brian pushed his chair away from the table and dragged it over to face me. He put his hand on my knee. "Melissa, you know, it is a 2-way street. Did you ever think that I wouldn't be this happy if it weren't for you? You have no idea how much fun I have had with you these past few months. All of this Phish, your excitement about it, all of it!! And now you are letting me escort you to your first show. Do you have any idea what that means to me?? I was very happy to do this for you. Believe me, the pleasure was all mine," he said, staring directly into my eyes. He brushed my nose with his index finger and smiled as he got up from his seat and pushed the chair back in under the table. Then something astonishing began to happen. I watched in shear amazement. Oh my god. He was doing the dishes. Wow. Would he ever cease to shock me?

"Hey, " Brian said suddenly as he filled the sink with water, " you really should put the tickets for Virginia Beach in a safe place, you know. They fell off the table earlier and I found them under the chair. Why don't you put them in your computer room?" He suggested as he began to scrub the pan encased with crusted parmesan cheese.

"Oh my god, you are right. Good thinking. I DON'T want to lose those do I?" I said, shuddering from the thought of it. I grabbed the envelope and proceeded down the hallway to my computer room, which was nothing special really--just a room with a computer in it. Wait. Something was different. What was that noise? It sounded like water dripping or something. The sound became louder as moved closer to the room. I slowly cracked the door open and noticed that there was a strange glow coming from inside, even though the light was off. What the hell was going on here? I became alarmed, thinking that something was wrong. Finally, I walked inside. There, in all of its glory, was a beautiful 30-gallon fish tank, completely set up, with the light illuminating the water. I covered my mouth with my hands and my eyes started to tear up. What had he done? I turned around to run out of the room in order to find Brian and hug the hell out of him. But he was already there, peeping around the doorway. He had tiptoed over and had evidently been there the entire time to see my reaction.

I ran up to him and embraced him, "Oh my god, Brian!! I can't believe you have done this!! Thank you , thank you thank you!!!" I screamed, completely hysterical. Brian hugged me back as hard as he could.

"You are so welcome, Melissa. So very welcome," he said as he gave me a peck on the forehead, though he had a hard time planting it because I was jumping around like a crazy person.

What an amazing birthday. A home cooked meal and a fish tank. I began to giggle a little as I realized something. I broke the embrace and looked up at Brian.

"First, you give me the gift of Phish. Now, you've given me the gift of fish. Could it be any more perfect?" I giggled, still in complete awe from what he had done.

He looked at me and wiped the tears of happiness from my cheek. He then placed his hand on my shoulder and drew me back to his chest, "Melissa, I have a feeling we will soon find out."

CHAPTER 7: FLOAT UPON THE WAVES

That night, we let the magic of the CDRs he had received that day from NYE 98 take us away. And then, before we even knew what was happening, Brian and I crossed the proverbial boundary. Yes, exactly. It was one of the most incredible nights of my life.

I will never, as long as I live, think of YEM in the same manner. Every movement, every touch and every whisper---completely synchronized to the music (the scream included). Totally effortless, purely natural. Why hadn't we done this sooner?? I know, timing. And the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Up until that point, I had thought I had a fairly good grasp on the passion that Phish creates through their music. I was mistaken. I completely underestimated the emotional euphoria when combining Phish with…well… other euphoric things. Taking the way I was feeling about Phish and threading that with the emotions I had for Brian? Man. Monumental. Huge. Mind-boggling. Almost too good. While it was happening, I swear, I was transported elsewhere, to some other level of being. All that mattered to me was getting as close to him as I could. The music allowed us both the melt together and become one; we were no longer 2 separate people. There is no other way to describe the experience. It was meant to happen. And we let it.

Afterward, we laid together, completely intertwined. The peace I felt was indescribable. I took a deep breath and thought about how good it felt to have him next to me. His arms were wrapped around me tightly. They felt so warm, so good. Nothing had ever felt so right. Nothing. I noticed that he was beginning to drift off to sleep, not that I could blame him. In fact, I should have been sleeping as well. It wasn't every day that I had a spiritual experience. But I couldn't sleep. I just wanted to enjoy this utter peace.

The music was still playing in the background. But I didn't recognize the song. What was this? It was absolutely beautiful. So tranquil. So flowing. Then, I realized which song it was the moment the singing began. Prince Caspian. I shut my eyes and drank in the sound. That was exactly how I was feeling. Like I was floating upon the waves. Brian was right. I did love this song. Every muscle in my body was relaxed. I began to drift with the music and let Brian's rhythmic breathing envelope my consciousness. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep. Phish choreographing my dreams, my best friend at my side. How on earth was I going to say goodbye to him? How?

CHAPTER 8: MY POOR HEART

I refused to say goodbye. I just wasn’t going to do that---to say THAT word. It didn't make much sense anyway. Yes, Brian was leaving for tour and moving to California directly after Deer Creek. I knew that. But I still had Virginia Beach, right? I programmed myself in to thinking that the day he left for tour, I would just say, "see ya later." After all, I would right? I would see him the following week. It would all be just fine. Aw man, who was I kidding? This was going to be damn hard. Stop. Damn it. I had to stop thinking like that.

I had to give myself several pep-talks to prevent these feelings that could in turn put a damper on my first Phish experience. I couldn’t WAIT to see Phish, after all. But, still, there were some pretty difficult things to deal with. It was pretty heart-tearing to say the least. The elation of my first show.. and then saying goodbye to Brian right after? How would I be able to do this?? Ok. There had to be a way to separate the 2 mammoth events.

Trying to figure this out was like banging my head against the wall. I either had to be determined to concentrate on one emotion at a time -- or -- come up with something else. Yeah, right. Easier than it sounded. Was there no other alternative? Obviously, if I had to say goodbye to Brian after that show, I would be thinking about it before and during and my fear would be that I wouldn't be able to truly experience Phish for what they were. This was such a tough one. Wait a minute. I had it. An idea surfaced from beneath this sea of frustration. Suddenly, I knew exactly what to do.

I ran into my computer room and turned on my set. Man, this was just too perfect. I already knew that I could get the 12th and 13th off from work, so what the hell was stopping me? After a few minutes of page loading, a few keystrokes and many profanities, I had tickets for Phish July 12th, 1999, Tweeter Center. Ok, now for the 13th. Once again, I went through the exact same process, with a few more profanities. But this time, I read this: "Sorry, TicketMaster could not fill your request. Try requesting a smaller amount of tickets." I tried it again. Same response. Smaller amount??? Smaller than one??? Bastards. I started understanding at that moment why people on the Phish scene called this organization by a different, more fitting, name. The show was sold out. Damn. NOW what do I do? I picked up the phone and frantically dialed Brian's number.

What can I say? The man is amazing. Upon explaining what I was doing, not only was he completely ecstatic that I had decided to meet him at 2 more shows, he took control of the situation and SOMEHOW managed to hook me up with tickets to the July 13th show at The Tweeter Center. Incredible. I still don't know quite how he did it. But I didn't care. I was going. And I didn't have to say goodbye to him after Virginia Beach. I don't really know why I had given up faith, actually. It seemed, especially now, that anything involving Phish, Brian and myself, seemed to just fall right into place. It was rather spooky, I must say.

So now it was official. That day, Jul 8th, 1999 was emotionally reserved for Phish, with no dread post-show involving a saddening departure. Man, I couldn't wait. And Brian couldn't either. He was actually quite relieved that we weren't parting ways after my first show. His concerns had directly coincided with mine, I found out. Everything, once again, just worked out perfectly. I hoped it would continue.

CHAPTER 9: CAVERN

Funny how the mind works. I had my first experience lined up. Brian, who was my awakening in more ways than one, would be by my side. Was I thinking about what would happen? Was I realizing that after July 13th, this wonderful "untitled" thing that Brian and I had would come to an end? No, I would shake it off. Instead, I was swimming in that river in Egypt. You know, da-NILE. I made myself completely oblivious course of events. I wanted to make the very best of every precious second we had left. Delaying our official goodbye couldn't be helped. The only music I was ready to face on July 8th was Phish. And luckily, he agreed to my point, 100%.

I refused to sit and think about the fact that he was moving. He had these plans set way before I met him and voicing my feelings just wouldn't be fair. Of course I didn't want him to move. I wanted him to stay and for our relationship to continue down this yellow-brick road. But wanting not to think about something and what actually ended up going through my mind, were 2 different things.

The deja-vouz was way too intense. Obviously, memories of a "similar" situation from my past were brought forth in my tortured mind. Making the same mistake twice was not an option.

Realizing this, I had decided that I would keep my mouth shut. If it came to be that he wanted me to move to California (looking way ahead here) I would say no. No way. I will say it again, resentment is a horrible thing to deal with. It can KILL a friendship and destroy a romance. I never once told him that he shouldn't go to California. Not once. Don’t get me wrong, I told him incessantly that I would miss him and all of our times together--hanging out, listening to Phish. But I always encouraged his move, as hard as that was. What else could I do?

All I knew at this point that not having Brian in my life like I had been was a tormenting thought. I tried to shake it off, and not think about it. Besides, we still had 3 superior dates planned. 3 Phish shows. I smiled realizing that it didn’t do any good to think about something I had no control over. Instead, I concentrated on these incredible things we had planned.

And let me tell you, I could not wait.

Chapter 10: This Has All Been Wonderful, Now I'm On My Way

I don't think I have looked anyone in the eyes for so long with out words as I did that day with Brian. We stood in my driveway, knowing full well that the moment of our last hug, that last kiss, would be the end of our "relationship" in NH as we had come to know it.

I looked at his car.. tightly packed with everything he owned and needed for Phish summer tour, as well as for his new life in California. God help him if he needed a rider or picked up a hitch-hiker. Pots, pans, coolers, tarps, tents.. you name it.. it was in his car. I glanced back over at Brian. Once again, we locked in that stare.

I shook my head in denial. "I am not going to say goodbye to you, you know. We still have the Virginia Beach show and the Great Woods shows," I said, finally, trying to smile. Brian broke his stare.

"I know, " he said, now looking down, shuffling his sandal around a pebble. He stood silent. Saddened. He knew as I did what this moment meant. Somewhere, between the lines of our small talk, we both acknowledged it. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to say something else.

"Ok, enough of this sadness right? YOU are taking me to my very first Phish show, Brian. Think of that. That is so exciting... and it's all because of you. The best part is.. it's next week. That is not so far away, right around the corner in fact," I said, realizing that I should have kept my mouth shut. Every word I said, just seemed to make me feel worse. Man, this was so hard. Who ever said "fake it till you make it" should be shot. But what else could I do? So... I smiled, placing my fingers under his chin to make him look up at me. I stared at him, thinking about how next week we would be reunite in Virginia --AND-- I would experience Phish for the first time. One would think these thoughts would elate a person. But deep inside? I was screaming in agony. He was leaving. Our special places, our long drives, our intimate rendezvous.... over. All over. I realized that not only was I saying goodbye to my best friend... I was saying goodbye to the man that I loved. Boom. It hit me and hit me hard. My thoughts became heightened and these feelings became overwhelming. Almost as if he was reading my mind, Brian suddenly grabbed me and held me close. His cheek was against mine. Then I felt it. Tears. His tears were falling and spilling onto my face.. Oh god, this was it. Oh how I wanted to tell him to stay. Please stay. Don't go. I love you. But the words never came out, nor would they.

Finally, I broke the embrace, took a deep breath and forced a smile, "Brian.. see you later, ok? Not goodbye. See you later, " I cupped his face in my hands, wiped his tears and gave him a reassuring kiss on the nose. I don't know to this day how I kept my composure in that moment.

"Yeah, " he said wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, "you're right." He cracked a little grin and stared into my eyes again. The "fake it till you make it" theory was obviously contagious, "Ok. I gotta get on the road, " he said through a deep exhale. Brian got into his car rolled the window down, got all of CDs ready and situated himself for the long trip ahead.

"Ok, I said," continuing, somehow, to remain calm. I stood there for a second. Then, finally, I waved and quickly turned around to walk into the house. The lump in my throat was forming. I didn't want him to see me crying.. and let me tell you, an explosion of tears was just under the surface. I could feel it. Soon I wouldn't be able to fight it anymore. Suddenly, I heard Brian's voice.

"Hey, " he said almost frantically, "come here." I stopped in my tracks but didn't turn around.. Ok Melissa, he's calling you. Just a few more seconds, I thought. Just a few more. Don't cry, Melissa. I walked back over to Brian and placed my hands on the lip of the unrolled window. Out of no where he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a long, sweet, passionate kiss. I pulled back slowly, completely stunned and speechless. Once again, our eyes were locked. He started his car and I stepped back.. but our eyes never unlocked. I couldn't move.

He began to back out of the driveway. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't even bear to watch him drive away. Why is this happening? I turned around, once again and began to walk back to the house. Oh god. Then I felt it. The lump in my throat took over. Before I knew what was happening, I was heaving in tears. Sobbing like I have never cried before. I couldn't even catch my breath. I wanted to run into the house, but I couldn't move any faster. Like an instant replay, I heard Brian calling me again. This time, I spun around quickly. Did he change his mind? Was he going to not move to California? Maybe that was what he was going to say. Maybe he was going to tell me he's be back after summer tour. "Yes? " I said anxiously. Luckily he was far enough away that he couldn't see the tears streaming down my face. I looked at him, his car in the middle of the road.

Brian grinned slightly, wiping a tear from his cheek, "See you later." With that, he began to drive away. Away from NH. Away from me. I couldn't speak.

I stood there, paralyzed as I watched him go. Though I didn't want to watch and promised myself that I wouldn't, I just couldn't move. It was the longest moment of my life. Tears were streaming now, uncontrollably. The eruption had begun.

His car was gone now. He had made that turn at the top of the hill.. and out of my sight. I collapsed on the pavement. Damn it. Why? Why? Why? How could I have let this happen?? I couldn't stop thinking these things. Every moment that I had spent with him began to replay in my mind. I was in love, but Brian was never coming back to NH.... and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing.

I sat on the pavement for a while, trying to calm myself down. It's going to be ok. Am I being silly here? I am going to see him next week. And I don't have to say a "real" goodbye to him then cuz we still have 2 more shows we are seeing together. It's ok. Things are going to be ok. I kept saying these things over and over. The hyperventilating ceased... and slowly, I began to feel better. I realized that I just had to let the sadness erupt and take over.

Finally after what seemed to be 10 hours, I stood up and took a deep cleansing breath. I felt myself smiling. I don't know why. Once again, the mind is a funny thing. I stared at the point where I last saw Brian's car. And under my breath, I spoke.

"See you later, Brian. See you later."

I walked back into the house and began to prepare myself for the longest week of my life.

To be continued..

- Melissa Kinney